Tyrannosaurus Rex.

In 1968 I was having the time of my life driving around London in an old Mini.

BXP 322 was not of Issigonis’ original 1958 production, but it had issues.

The transmission had no synchromesh, which meant you had to get the engine at the same speed as the gears before shifting. There was a lot of grinding of teeth, the transmission’s and mine, until I learned to rev the engine and slip the clutch at the right moment as the rpms reduced.

There were small holes in the floor through which you could see daylight and the road, useful for gauging your speed. Moss grew in green circles around the holes.

The body’s original bright blue paint had been washed out to something Turner or Cotman might have chosen to represent shallow water.

There were no door handles; you pulled a cable inside the door instead.

The windows did not go down or up but slid back and forth. The wiper blades, never in synch, often fell off, usually on the A23 on the way to Brighton. Always in the rain.

The engine didn’t start on cold mornings. Parking on a hill was mandatory.

The car was a death trap, especially to pedestrians. The sheet metal was joined together with pressed seams. In a collision they would unfold, exposing their sharp edges.

God, I loved that car.

It was so low to the ground that at 30MPH you felt you were zooming around corners like Dan Gurney or Jackie Stewart. It was impossible to turn over. The Mini’s front wheel drive and transverse engine put the weight directly over the driving wheels, giving it great road-holding.

It had the turning circle of a politician.

There was no over-steer or under-steer. It went where you pointed it.

It nipped in and out of traffic jams and into parking spaces. The parsimonious 850cc engine sipped gas.

Front wheel drive meant no drive shaft, no hump down the middle of the passenger compartment. The car was the template for Dr Who’s police box: bigger inside than out.

The Mini and I delivered psychedelic posters around London. Ours were a more superior type than the usual San Francisco, drug inspired designs. We were more spiritual. We had Indian mandalas which glowed in the presence of a “black” light.

Stare at it under the right stimulus and eternity soon beckoned.

We were entrepreneurs. We had a business. It was called California Imported Arts: CIA Ltd. We even had an office: 18 Soho Square.

My two partners were from the West Coast. Edward  knew every Beach Boys lyric. And sang them.

Usually, around noon, we would rouse ourselves, climb into the Mini and try to sell the posters. In addition to building a graphic empire, we did anything anyone hired us to do.

Edward, a man of many talents, built a perspex desk for John Lennon’s office at Apple.

Tony Cox asked us to help promote an Ornette Coleman concert at the Albert Hall. At the time Tony was married to Yoko Ono. We’d having meetings in their flat across the street from Regents Park usually sitting on the floor. These were occasionally interrupted by Kyoko, Yoko’s daughter, racing in and out of the room.

Across the hall lived Daniel Richter and his wife Gill. Richter was a mime artist. After much searching Kubrick cast him as the principal ape in the opening sequence of 2001 A Space Odyssey. He is the one who throws the thigh bone into space and the future in one of the great scene transitions. He was also in “The Revolutionary”, Paul Williams’ first feature (and maybe Jon Voight’s too).

Paul impressed us greatly. When asked how he was getting home one night after dinner at our house in deepest Wandsworth, he said “I have a car outside”. We looked out the window. He did, an Austin Princess, with driver.

We sold and delivered posters to any shop that would take them. In Ornette’s case, many did. The concert was a sell out. I am still surprised.

One day Edward and I took bunch of posters up to an office in northwest London, Kilburn or Willesden, which turned out to belong to the Pink Floyd. As I turned to leave a short, good looking, intense young guy with a halo of frazzled hair and what seemed like eye shadow introduced himself and asked if he could hitch a ride back to central London. On the way he asked if we had ever heard of Tyrannosaurus Rex?

Of course I said. I had seen the movies on Channel 9 in New York. Biggest and most ferocious meat-eating dinosaur, I said.

Good, he said. Why, I asked.

He said he was thinking of starting a band and calling it that.

And he did.

Years later Marc Bolan, a passenger in another Mini, died after it crashed into a steel chain link fence post in Barnes, southwest London. He was not wearing a seat belt.

One day when we were driving in the west end, the Mini just stopped. It was as if it had reached the end of its road.  In the dark of night my wife and I pushed it to the front of Holbein Motors, just off Lower Sloane Street. I gave BXP 322 a last pat on the bonnet and we took off. I assuaged my guilt: it was the garage I had brought it to often. If anyone can resurrect it they can. If not, they can junk it and get paid for their trouble.

Months later, coming out of a theater one night, I made eye contact with a familiar face. And he with me. We nodded, both unable to make the connection.

It was only after I was safely away that I realized it was Mr Holbein Garage.



The Me Boys.


Shortly after they got together, Clark and Tim decided to dedicate their lives to pleasure.

Fully embracing the lazy dictum that perception is reality, they began to see the world through rose-colored eyes. Everything good became great. Every meeting was phenomenal . Every new cocktail sensational, every bar heavenly, every workout mind-blowing, every friend the most precious, every party the most fun ever, every barbecue was blessed with the most perfect sunset. In fact, every day gave evidence they were the specific beneficiaries of a beneficent nature.

But there was a little planning too.

The charities they supported were all good causes but also had good fund-raisers. Doing good did not preclude a good time. Nothing enhanced the flavor of barbecued shrimp with cilantro sauce like helping Honduran immigrants find living accommodation.

An iPhone, quickly snapped, sent their experiences to Facebook.

They became Facebook Boswells, effusive chroniclers of themselves, one wonderful time after another. Bars, restaurants, cities, parties, now weddings, football games merged in one smiling photo op.

All this, of course, was dependent on income. These were not Ira Gershwin’s “Plenty of Nothin’” pleasures. You needed plenty of somethin’.

Those unbelievable watering holes, those fabulous restaurants, that stunningly thin veal scallopine, the theater weekends in New York tracking Stephen Sondheim productions and Neil Patrick Harris: cost-a-packet.

But Clark and Timmy were not alone. Their friends seemed to fly at the same altitude of fun and fundedness. No kids to support, and everyone had successful careers. But there was never mention of their jobs.

It was impossible to know what anyone actually did.

Work was a second, less important life. Being continually on the move (JFK to ORD 9:15, fabulous stewardess, great omelette) entertained and reporting it was their real vocation. They were Type Es, not Type As. And they didn’t need GQ or Vogue to feature them.  They had the internet and could bear witness to each other’s internet celebrity.

Andy Warhol may have promised that all Americans would be famous for 15 minutes. But the internet took that promise and extended it.

Clark and Tim and friends shared more than the same notion of the good life. They shared similar gym-trained bodies. No longer exactly young, but toned and tanned enough for pictures by the various pools they appeared in or around together. Men and women shared the same big smiles, as if a key light was trained on their camera-turned faces.

This was the good life without the dark bits. AIDS no longer casted a shadow. Drugs were not a big presence. Being and looking healthy, working out and being buff, wearing nice clothes and smiling for the camera—narcissism—that was their drug. The thing is, you could never rest. You always have to be on the lookout for the next event, the next unadulterated pleasure, the next photo op.

Living for pleasure, in public, is a life’s work.


Sonny Burns.


“I need ten thousand dollars.”

“How are you, Sonny?”

“In a week you will have $30,000, I swear on my mother’s tits”, said Sonny Burns. This was meant to express sincerity.

“Where are you, Sonny?” Bob asked. The phone answered. Crackle. Hiss. Bob shouted down it.


“I’m out of town,” said Sonny Burns, which meant he was out of touch: in Los Angeles, London, New York, Mexico, on Mars or around the corner. He was a ghost. He could be dead. You never knew where he was or when he would, suddenly, come back to life. It was always when he wanted something: in this case, investors.

As usual he was high on of his latest discovery.

“Forget Panama Red, Acapulco Gold—this stuff is better. It’s unbelievable, man. With your first toke you’ll be You’ll be three feet off the ground. I can get POUNDS. I’ve got a buyer for every oz I can get. It’s a no brainer. But I have to move fast or it’s gone.  I need the money yesterday.”

Two weeks and several empty bank accounts later we sat watching the silent phone.  And sat. Could our pal have forgotten? Was he having a party without us? Or was he really dead this time? Had someone found his sincerity insincere?

The days passed. We felt aggrieved, then worried and, finally, murderous.  If by any chance Mr Burns was living up to his name, old friend or not we wanted to kill him. Or at least frighten him into picking up the phone.

Bob was from a small town in Massachusettes. He was a tough boy but sounded like the Stage Manger from Our Town. I’m from the Bronx. I sound like it. It had to be me.

I practiced my De Niro, John Garfield and Paul Muni, I tried a little Broderick Crawford from Highway Patrol. I even tried Brando, the Brando from One-Eyed Jacks, but nobody can really do Brando without sounding like a parody of Brando except Marlon.

In the end I went for Muni. Muni was a short guy but had big intensity.

Muni’s voice could be a sneer: low and threatening, with a nicely foreign mittel-european edge to it. His whispers were like paper cuts. You didn’t know you were bleeding to death until you saw the blood. None of the histrionics of Pacino, no volume, but a more latent insanity. Or so I hoped.

And dialed the number.

I talked slowly, formally, deliberately, almost solicitously, with pauses to give him time to worry. “Is this Mr Sonny Burns?”

“Who’s this?”

“Mr Burns (PAUSE) a mutual friend has asked me to call you and suggest (PAUSE) suggest you get in touch with him soon. Very soon. (PAUSE) You understand what I am saying? You know to whom I refer? Of course you do. You are a very smart man, Mr Burns, and will undoubtedly do the (PAUSE) smart thing, won’t you? Then you won’t hear from me again. And that will be good. (PAUSE) You have a nice life, Mr Burns.”

A few hours later the silent phone rang.  Sonny’s voice wasn’t on edge, it was over it.

“What the fuck is going on? I was just about to call you. I got the money, just like I said. Everything was fine. Just a little hold up. Everything’s cool. You’ll have the cash tomorrow. There’s no problem. There is no problem, right?”

“How are you, Sonny? No, Sonny, there is no problem, now.”



Camp Eden.

The Catskills are full of ghosts. These speak Yiddish.

Middle-aged men in white shorts, dark socks and spindly legs materialize in the steep, densely forested granite hills that hug the Hudson; hills which the Dutch, newly arrived from their flat land home, called mountains.

The men walk and talk, they stroll, in pairs. Some have young children on their shoulders. The fathers bend low under branches that reach out, like good Jewish trees, to stroke the the kids. While they walk they argue— about life, socialism, history (of which they had seen plenty).

From hill-top to hill-top the ball bounces between them. Generations ago they might have been young scholars arguing over every point in the Talmud. Here in the Hudson Valley the dialectic instinct still drives them on.

Point, counterpoint. Statement, rebuttal.

“Yes, you see?” “Not so fast.” “It was proven.” “It was not.”

“Walter Benjamin said…”

“Pfff, Walter Benjamin. Now Gershom Scholem maintains…”

“You are forgetting Hegel.”

“Hegel schmegel….”

They seek edge and clarity in the dark hills. Or just the pleasure of interrogation and argument. The dialectic is how society moves ahead step by step, even in the Catskills.

Occasionally the sun breaches the phalanx of trees that reach straight up to the sky, throwing spangles of light and revealing the forest floor. Now it picks out a clump of poison ivy. There was none in the old country. They pause to discuss. Everything is up for discussion

“If it be three, let it be” one intones, in English, counting the leaves.

“Pah. An old wives tale,” says his companion, bending down, reaching out. Then changes his mind.

Secular socialists, these ghosts practice words, not religion. Words are real because they don’t just carry ideas, they create the world.

After all, in the beginning was The Word.

Having survived the world war they now pursue the millennium, or at least a better and more just world. How to get there?

Onward they amble, like History, like the old 20th Century idea of Progress, which to them is the same thing. Puffing cigars, stopping to expound, make a point, refuting the point, enlightening the other; their hands, eyes, expressions and mouth all talk at once.

The sound of Yiddish, a 10th Century concoction of ancient languages infused with Middle High German, rises amidst chatter of native birds and untouched trees. But the heavy spell of the forest and the ever-winding Hudson below go unnoticed. These men see with their heads, not their eyes. They see ideas. They see the future. They see utopia. They see an America full of wonderful things—like Calamine lotion.

One day, and it will be soon, they will start to see themselves as Americans. And argue about the Yankees. What they do not see now is the storm rolling in across the Catskills, announced for the last 10 minutes by approaching thunder. When the rain hits them in great waves, they are surprised.

Meanwhile, looking down on our mid-century spirits are even older ones: hundreds of years older. And these ghosts speak Dutch. This is Rip Van Winkle country.

Here is Fishkill and Peekskill and any kill you like. Before this land was American it was British and before that it belonged to Hollanders. (And before that it was the Iroquois’ land: the Mahicans, who called the great river Mahicanituck, the Mohawks to the north and west and and the Lenni Lenapes, also called the Delaware, to the south.)

But if names are anything to go by, it is still pretty much Dutch. The bridge across the river a few miles south is The Tappan Zee, positioned by meshuganah New York politics (money of course) at the Hudson’s widest point. Rhinebeck is up the river as are the Roosevelts of Hyde Park. Hamilton Fish IV (Hamilton Fish I was named for Alexander Hamilton, a family friend), from a long line of New York governors and congressmen, is actually Hamilton Stuyvesant Fish, to also honor the last Dutch governor of Nieuw Amsterdam (and the only one anyone can remember).

The rolling beauty of the Hudson Highlands is deceptive. Thunderous storms spring up and in moments darken the brilliant sky a nightmare blue. The already dark woods darken the mind. Things come alive. Eden can never be taken for granted.

Near Tarrytown Washington Irving saw a headless horseman ride out into the wind.

The thunder of Catskill storms is unlike anywhere else. It rocks and rolls from river bank to river bank, as if the storm is making up its mind which way to go. This isn’t normal thunder, the shockwave produced by the sudden increase in pressure and temperature and expansion of air in and around a bolt of lightning.  This is thunder made by old Dutchmen, clay pipes clenched in their teeth enjoying a game of bowls in the Hudson heavens.

Sometimes you can see the ball roll across the sky on top of the clouds, leaving a path of fire, the growing growl of a celestial sub-woofer. And when a Dutchman bowls down all the pins the mountains rattle and shake from West Point to Beacon. The wind comes up, trees kiss the ground in prayer. For a moment the entire sky lights up, a pinball machine hitting the jackpot. God has turned on the lights. Storm King Mountain, across from West Point, did not get its name for nothing.

This is not the schmaltzy Borscht Belt Catskills where comedians like Milton Berle, Alan King and Woody Allen practiced their art. This the Hudson Highlands where Routes 9 and 9A snake around huge and austere granite escarpments. High up and dream-like 19th century railroad barons built stone castles out of Sir Walter Scott, all turrets and battlements, to both broadcast their success and ensure their privacy.

The Jewish ghosts, like those robber barons of the Gilded Age, also seek a haven along the Hudson. Only 50 miles from New York City but far enough from the Europe they had recently escaped and the lower east side from which they had not. Not yet anyway.

In this place which bewitched the first American landscape painters is the old river town of Cold Spring. It sits at the deepest point of the Hudson. New York Central Railroad trains from Grand Central Station, having switched diesel engines for steam at Croton, stop by the band box at the bottom of a Main Street lined with Federal-style houses. Up the hill and seven miles miles east of here the ghosts found their Eden.

Camp Eden.

Ever since the end of the war, they gathered: for a week, two weeks in the summer; some of the children even for the 8-week summer camp. Some came alone. Some were reunited with friends and relatives as one by one and two by two, people left the war behind.

On luminescent Friday summer evenings the adults watched in wonder as the children—the kinder—marched into the dining hall dressed in whites, whites which would soon bear the marks of roast chicken-smeared fingers. Then concerts in the big hall or lectures in the garden by the statue of Eugene Debs.

Afterwards everyone would rise and sing the Internationale, the Socialist anthem.

On long lazy afternoons full of dragon flies and buzzing yellow jackets, you could play shuffleboard or fish for sunnies in the cold mountain lake. All you needed was a pole and some string and a piece of bread for the hook. These were not smart fish.

You could walk around without the need to cover up the purple number on your forearm.

Healing was in the air, and transformation.

Not far from this spot Rip Van Winkle woke from his 20-year sleep and found a new world. The colony of New York had become the republic of America. The picture of King George III on the local hostelry had changed. With a few strokes of the brush of a local sign painter King George had become President Washington.

So no big surprise that people who here came as refugees left as soon-to-be Americans.

If Eden is where the world began, Camp Eden is where, for these ghosts, it began again.

Dr Clark








Don Keller conquers London.

In the late 70s Don Keller was packed off to London for a couple of months of R&R after his wife died. At the  time it was rumored that a rival agency had Don at the top of their wish list. So getting him out of town and out of sight may have been doubly appealing to Leo Burnett’s creative head Carl Hixon.

At first everyone in the London office thought he was some kind of charming mid-western naif, an aw-shucks-just-shook-the-hay-from-his-hair innocent.  He was hip to critters like Tony The Tiger and Snap, Crackle and Pop. In London critters were not hip.

But then he’d wander the creative department and slip into offices unnoticed. Ideas were being battered around but progress remained elusive. Knotty problems would not untie. Frustration and voices rose. Then he would quietly say something.

“You could always try…”

Suddenly people stopped talking, looked at each other, then looked at him. Maybe this was no hayseed. Dan Parfitt, my art director and I looked at each other, looked at Don, and thought the same thing: “That’s…good!” The word got out. Suddenly Don the midwesterner couldn’t walk down the hall without being invited into every office with an open door and a creative team trying to get out of jail.

Everyone wanted a piece of him. It became a competitive game: Capture Don. Get him in the morning before anyone else does, put him to work, then take him down the pub. Then take him to dinner. Kidnap him.

Think Lawrence of Arabia in the scene where Lawrence, having survived the terrible Nephood desert, “God’s Anvil”, goes back into it to rescue a bedouin warrior the other tribesmen had given up for dead. On his return one by one each man offers Lawrence their blanket and saddle, their hospitality. So in London: “Come into my office, Don.” “Don, in here—-got a minute?” Everyone wanted his ear, his eye and nod of approval. I was no different.

At one point he turned to me in surprise and a little exasperation, “Gerry, remember, I voted for Nixon twice, and you want MY opinion?!!!”

Of course that became the cover of his leaving card.

Unlike Lawrence, and any creative director you could name, Don was self-effacing. His talent was actually bigger than his ego. In advertising this was unheard of.

Then we discovered he could draw.

That was something not many art directors in London would admit to, because it meant they would have to do their own storyboards and miss time at the pub, instead of sending them to a studio artist for the equivalent of £200+ a frame (client pays). Don did his own. And they were not just an outline of the story. Looking at Don’s boards you could see the movie.

He drew the frames with points-of-view and camera angles and movement indications he had already thought about, as if he had pre-screened the spot in his mind. Because he had. (The only other person I ever knew who did boards completely realized like that that was Tony Scott.)

Drawing and painting, of course, was what he really wanted to do, what he trained to do at the Art Institute of Chicago with classmates like Leroy Neiman and Claes Oldenburg. His house was filled with his art: paintings and drawings. But like many artists, he either had trouble letting them go—-as gifts or sales—-or he got too much joy teasing me and Jim Jenness and a few others with the promise of one. On the other hand, he gave Florence, our youngest daughter, a painting and a bunch of drawings. This was the same daughter he had carried sleeping and exhausted out of a hamburger restaurant on Oak Street 30+ years ago when we first moved to Chicago. Rebecca, our older daughter, still has her drawing of Tony the Tiger inscribed with Don’s art director spelling, “Rebbeca, You’re Grrreat!”

With talent, charm and unstinting generosity, he nurtured the talent and, more importantly, the spirit in all of us.

An innocent abroad? Ha!

A Gunslinger at the Movies.

Bob Mayo walks up 167th Street like he owns it.

He’s been practicing The Walk.

He’s got it down: the beat cop’s unhurried, unworried progress through the neighborhood. Every leisurely step marks his territory, every sideward glance warns local wannabe hoods to keep their pompadored heads down. This little corner of the west Bronx is his.

The Walk is powered by a subtle but distinct hip roll as the weight of his fullback’s (high school) body shifts from one large shiny black shoe to the other.  The police special sits low on his right hip, ruining the line of the long blue jacket. He doesn’t mind the bulge. It and the shiny new badge on his blue coat are the reasons the crowded sidewalk opens before him. This swagger is the result of hours of practice up and down the hall outside of apartment 32A on the sixth floor of his  building, under the eyes of disapproving neighbors and wide-eyed kids. Mayo has dreamed of this day. Too young for the Second World War, at last he has a uniform and a gun.

And bad guys out there to vanquish.

This is the sidewalk meltdown summer of 1953, a month of 90+ degrees. Eisenhower is in the White House, far less happy and articulate as a president than he was as a general. (He’s discovered that giving orders is easier than giving news conferences.) It’s the Korean rehearsal for Indo China and Viet Nam. More locally, the continuing Yankee dynasty renews itself (DiMaggio hands over to Mantle).

Now, in his new policeman’s uniform swinging his shiny new billy club, Mayo proceeds up 167th Street towards the Concourse, surveying his territory under the brim of his new policeman’s hat. Glancing from side to side he confidently flips the club at the end of its the leather thong, an act of lazy intimidation expertly practiced by generations of New York cops on their beats. But Mayo’s club flips counter-clockwise, then bounces off his outstretched hand, revealing a rookie on his first patrol. He quickly reels the club back in his hand and looks around.

A couple of smirking 10- year-olds stand outside the candy store. Mayo’s hands suddenly feel sweaty. With each step west up the hill it gets hotter.

He tries the club twirl again but now his hands are too slippery and his confidence melted.

He passes the delicatessen with hot dogs wrinkling and potato knishes blackening on the grill in the window. Then the “appetizing” store with its carp swimming in the window tank, pickles bobbing up and down in brine in open barrels on the saw-dusted floor, the hills of nuts and dried fruit, yellowish smoked white fish beside the smoked salmon, the mountain of halvah on the counter. Mayo takes an apple from cart outside and bites. Then, from a distance, two New York voices getting louder and louder, passions heated by the weather. At the top of the hill two yellow taxis sit side-by-side at an endless red light, gunning their engines. The drivers honk their horns, wave their arms and shout at each other through the open windows. Across the Grand Concourse, a 6-lane thoroughfare designed after the Champs Elysée as the Bronx’s own epic parade route, a man with a child is hailing one of them. Or the other.

Mayo has reached the Kent Theater.

On its marquee the word “S H A N E”, in huge capital letters, circles around. One by one letters appear from around the corner, each letter a score or more of white bulbs, until the word is present, and then disappears. Following it, in smaller blue letters with ice tops: “It’s COOL inside”. Beneath the marquee is a ticket kiosk and behind the glass with its mouse hole opening at the bottom sits a hot, tired, unsmiling woman in a hot, tired red uniform. The Kent, unlike the Loews 167th Street across the Concourse and especially unlike the Loew’s Paradise near Fordham Road, is no movie palace, not the place to take a date. It‘s a place to see a double bill and the Movietone News for 35¢, sleep all afternoon or shout at the screen. It had seen better days a month after it opened.

The woman is imprisoned and not just by her kiosk. On either side stand life-size cut-outs of Alan Ladd and Jack Palance, two actors of the Forties shooting their way into the Fifties. They face each other feet spread, bodies hunched, hands beside their holsters. She is directly in their crossfire. The cardboard Ladd has something he does not in the flesh: height.  Here he is as tall as the unsmiling Mr Palance, Hollywood’s baddest Bad Guy.

Mayo stops and considers. He moves slowly around and in front of Palance. Facing him, legs spread, he pulls his hat lower at the brim. His right hand moves to his side and pulls the side vents of his jacket to reveal his holster. The two gunmen glare at each other.  A mother and child walk slowly past, turn their heads, then hurry off, the boy dragging behind, eyes wide. Mayo turns away and swings his club now expertly, grabbing it just as it arcs up and is about to fall. He taps the rim of his hat and nods smiling to the woman behind the glass. She does not return the smile. He walks into the cool.

The air is full of screaming kids and the smell of 30 years of popcorn, including the fresh handfuls flying through it launched by the audience. Shouting at the screen, they stop only to heave handfuls in their mouths too. Ten years before Mayo was in one of those seats, throwing popcorn from the balcony. Back in the kiosk the woman thinks: cops, punks, put a uniform on them and they think they own the place.

The sound of the movie intoxicates him. He sees the action in his mind before he sees the screen. Slowly, he climbs the stairs towards the balcony. Victor Young’s music rises with him. He and the men on the big screen are moving to a climax. In his mind’s eye—-as on the screen—Shane, the homesteader’s friend and Palance as Jack Wilson, the hired gun, are about to settle things:  Good v Evil.  

Earlier, Shane, the good guy, gives every kid the right to feel forever good about guns.

ShaneA gun is a tool, Marian; no better or no worse than any other tool: an axe, a shovel or anything. A gun is as good or as bad as the man using it. Remember that.

Mayo pushes passed the curtain on to the balcony. He stands to the side of the packed rows of excited young voices, eyes, like everyone lese, fixed on the screen. He slowly spreads his feet and holds his arms out wide. His body takes on the crouch of the men on the screen. Mayo pulls his coat aside and unsnaps the safety catch of his holster. He puts his hand not on his gun but just hovering above the handle. He is in the movie. He is Shane. At the end of a row a boy turns his head from the screen and stares. The theater has gone quiet.

ShaneSo you’re Jack Wilson.

Jack WilsonWhat’s that mean to you, Shane?

ShaneI’ve heard about you.

Jack WilsonWhat have you heard, Shane?

ShaneI’ve heard that you’re a low-down Yankee liar.

Jack WilsonProve it.

On the screen Wilson and Shane draw and fire.

On the balcony, Shane II also draws his revolver and fires at the screen.  “Bang! Bang! Bang! he shouts at the top of his voice. And then, just after the action on the screen has gone silent, “Bang! Bang!” His voice fills the theater.

Every kid in the balcony turns to look at him. Downstairs heads look up. A dozing usher in the back row springs into life and shines her flashlight on him, picking out his silver badge. Mayo slowly replaces the gun. He rises from the crouch. The cop replaces the gunslinger. Freed from life on the big screen he slips behind the curtain and disappears. 

He bounds down the steps, passes the kiosk and is up 167th Street. Turning left on the corner he walks quickly passed the news stand by the IND Subway entrance with Jewish Daily Forward, the Day, the Frankfurter Allgemeine Zeitung and the Irish Times hanging above the cigar- smoking owner reading the Post. Only after the first art deco apartment building on the Concourse is behind him does he slow down. He glances back. No one. He turns and steps quickly down the steps and into the shadows of the narrow side alley which leads to the store room of the building. Standing by large cans of ash from the furnace he reaches into his breast pocket and takes out a half-smoked joint.

Minutes later he is back on the street, walking away from the sweet lingering smoke.  Loosening his billy club on its leather thong, he begins to swing it, and proceeds, slowly, deliberately, down the Concourse, doing The Walk.



The Buddhist of P.S 24.

111070087_136937478966 PS24


Public School 24 sits at the top of what would be the Palisades on the east side of the Hudson, if the high wooded hills on the east side of the Hudson were called Palisades. To us they were just the hills that went down to the river.

Riverdale begins at the southern end of those high hills, at the northern end of the toll bridge. For $4.00 (which was 10 cents in the 1950s, then 25 cents, then….etc) you cross high above a narrow body of water where the East River going west broadsides the Hudson River going south. The Dutch called this New York argument the Spuyten Duyvil—-spouting devil. The commute from Manhattan to the Bronx must have been somewhat more challenging though considerably less expensive before the bridge left the wind and unpredictable tides far below.

Here the uber urban Westside Highway turns into the bucolic Henry Hudson Parkway and promises Westchester, Putnam, and Dutchess counties.  And, after it becomes the Taconic State Parkway a few miles north at the Hawthorn Circle, FDR’s Hyde Park and even Vermont come into the mind’s eye.

A mile or so south of the toll bridge Washington escaped the British after losing the battle of Long Island. He crossed the East River to Manhattan just ahead of the Redcoats, and made his way north up hill and down dale. This was before Governor Clinton flattened the place to impose New York’s grid system of streets and avenues. When the General reached the point where they would one day build a bridge between New York and the rest of America he was rowed across to New Jersey to live and fight again at White Plains. He left behind fist-shaking Brits and his good name, Washington Heights.

North of the Bridge, a few hundred years later, Louie Wexler played basketball shirtless in the schoolyard of P.S. 24 to show off his burgeoning teenage muscles. Joe Horn threw orange Spaldings at a velocity that made you cry real tears if it hit your arm playing stickball. And Steve Roth dealt 5 and 7-card-draw poker (5-10¢ bets) to all of us on Saturday nights at his parents’ house. This was, of course, before girls.

We are in Riverdale, the Bronx, which was very unlike the Bronx.

Those hills are only a block or two west of the Henry Hudson Parkway, away from the new red brick apartment buildings that line either side of the highway in an unapologetic display of architectural mediocrity—-with their faux English names (The Briarcliff, etc) and never used balconies. Now you are in green woodland that rolls down to the river. Cover the railroad tracks at the bottom with your hand and from the river it probably looks much as it did to Henry Hudson in 1609.

We are eight miles from Midtown and a million miles from Manhattan.

Substantial houses and estates of the rich and great, including Toscanini’s, gradually appear out of their leafy privacy. Arturo Toscanini, the conductor of the Metropolitan Opera (and the New York Philharmonic and the NBC Orchestra), was famous for enthusiastically accepting the orchestra’s gift of a gold watch on his birthday, then, minutes later, smashing it to pieces at the quality of their rehearsal. The emotional Maestro kept excellent time but couldn’t tell you it.

The New York Central tracks run along the river until they turn west to take the 20th Century Limited to Chicago. But that was in the 20th century. Remember Cary Grant and Eva Marie Saint in North By Northwest? That’s the train.

Of infinitely more importance: trains of far lesser renown stopped first at Harmon-on-the-Hudson where the electric engines were exchanged for steam. Then, passing West Point and Bear Mountain on the left, to Cold Spring, where we got off to spend halcyon summers in camp, summers that that came with their own fireworks as instant storms rolled in high above the river, wind rattling windows, lightning making the day into momentary day, while the old Dutch settlers played thunderous bowls high in Dutch heaven. Welcome to the Catskills.

Apart from being a switching yard, two other important things made Harmon special.

The Ice Cream man got on the train. And an engineer with a blue and white striped cap let you climb up onto the locomotive where he opened the fire box to so you could feel the heat burn your face, and allowed you to pull the cord and blow that lonesome whistle.

The thrill of being a whistle-blower in the Age of Steam.

When we weren’t playing basketball or stick ball in the schoolyard of PS 24, we were putting pennies on the tracks below just before and trains rushed by, flattening them.

Occasionally, training for a future Viet Nam, we would throw cherry bombs at the trains.

Newly built, P.S. 24 was for little kids, grades 1-6. The schoolyard had a playground for the smallest, sandbox and all, beyond the last basketball court where we played. There was a small green wooden building which housed equipment. It was also the headquarters of the park attendant or “parky”.

Our parky was Paul Goluboff. Tall and rail thin, he was not young, but not old like our parents. He seemed weathered, tempered by time, but undefined by it. He was not muscular, but he had sinew, physical and moral. There was something about him that made you think that, like Lincoln, you wouldn’t want to call him out or see him mad. In a stiff wind he might bend but never break. If you had any rails around, you felt for sure he’d know how to swing an axe and split them.

But mad was the last thing he ever seemed to get.

In his green New York City Parks Department uniform he rode his bike to and from the playground. I can’t imagine him in a car, much less owning won. He was always outdoors, as his face showed. He was a vegetarian, and brought his bagged lunch every day. He knew the birds and their calls. He grew plants you could eat and he did. He was a Buddhist, which was like a religion but wasn’t. I later came to think it meant being entirely at peace and comfortable with the world, who you are and what you do.

Being comfortable in your own skin is a cliché until you see someone who is.

He never tried to be one of us. I don’t remember him picking up a basketball except to retrieve the occasional one when it ran away down the hill. He never raised his voice. While we were in a hurry to grow up, he was never in a hurry about anything. He never admonished us for being too loud, too rough or too anything as we tried our damnedest every day to be bolder and older.

Maybe it was the river, but later it occurred to me he was like Pete Seeger, if Pete Seeger had chosen to spend his life in a faded olive green uniform working for the parks department and happy in his privacy.

Like Seeger, he was one of those totally human people we all wish we met more of, but never have; people who take comfort in limits. Because their ambition is less, not more. They find contentment in calm. They should have had him hauled before the House Un-American Activities Committee for that un-American attitude alone.

And if it ever turned out Paul Goluboff had sung with the Weavers, I wouldn’t be surprised.



The Brother-in-law.

So my sister dies after The Year of Cancer, the year in and out of Sloane-Kettering, that dreadful place.

The pod of doctors making the rounds daily, faces changing but all unsmiling and unrevealing. The chemo that worked, then didn’t.  The radiation, the pain which they never managed to manage in spite of the meds taking her to other worlds. The flying visits from friends and relatives from Chicago, New Mexico, even from London with babies in tow.

Scan followed by scan followed by scan. The good news, the bad news, and then just the bad news.

 Then the dark day of signing the DNR form, followed by the 24- hour care-givers (the good ones and The Nightmare) and finally the hospice nurses at home.  Three, maybe four good weeks of Marcia being Marcia, back in her own apartment and her own bed and not exactly “pain free”. Witty, quick, funny, sardonic— she was once again my smart and endlessly hospitable New York sister. Entertaining and laughing with friends: the Elvis impersonator at her birthday, the trip out in a wheel chair to see her son’s new apartment (the last she would have alive). The joy of holding her young granddaughters she desperately wanted to see grow up.

“One day this cancer will kill you,” her seeming under-age oncologist had said months before. And on September 6th 2012 at 2:30AM, it did.

A few months after we all walked down Amsterdam to the grim confines of Riverside Memorial Chapel, where we watched her paintings scroll by on video while she lay in oak, with the Mogen-David like a celestial address label inscribed on the lid, my brother-in-law became my former brother-in-law.

He never told anyone, not even Max, his son. From December, he went off air. Not a word.

Then March 12th, an email.

He had met someone at Nice-Matin on 79th Street, just down from my sister’s apartment, and gotten “involved”. That was “a couple of months ago”.  He was tired, he explained, of being miserable and why should he be? His silence, someone said, was because he was afraid the news would upset us or we would be angry.

A casual glance at his profile on Facebook revealed he was rather more than involved. He was married.

There was the name of his new wife. There was his big smile, showing the camera the new ring. The new wife? Also an upper west sider, just around the corner in fact, also a painter. He had found a replacement.

Later he told someone they “met” online in December, had their first date on New Year’s Eve, went to City Hall on January 31st and tied the knot. This was followed, he confided nonchalantly, by a “nice, celebratory lunch”. (Chicken? Steak? How was the salad?)

Who knows when he started looking?  In the spring I remember a man at the end of his tether, desperate for a way out. On one monthly visit to New York to see her and support him he demanded I ’take over’. It had all become too much. But I’m not her husband, I protested. It’s your job.

He started spending more and more time in Princeton, separate to get back to his science and his job, leaving Marcia with 24-hour caregivers, until only the weekend was left for his wife and her inescapable trajectory.

 There had been a lot of talk about him remaining a member of the family. It was her great wish. It was ours too. We thought it was also his. We made a great effort to keep in touch. He deserved our support. He had had a terrible year and initially had nursed her wonderfully.  She had said so.

And anyway we liked him. There was no reason not to.

He wasn’t what you would call domesticated. He needed things doing for him. But he was boyish, charming, a free spirit, fun to be with, and as a scientist he opened up a different world to us. Most of all, he made Marcia happy. We were grateful he came into her life when he did.

So after the funeral we made plans.

 Come to England for Christmas, we said, we’re renting a farmhouse in Suffolk with all the kids. You’ll be in Germany?

 Come to London, we said in January. It will be crowded but fun. No answer.

 In March: We’re coming to New York to see you. You’ll be in Paris?  (“For a little R&R”.)

Then silence. And since then, silence.

 So my sister died and then their life together also ended, in secretive, furtive dissembling: the gauchness of a not-so-grown-up man feeling guilty and only his own needs. Marcia’s memory and his putative family shoved aside.

Somehow we and she had become the enemy. The cancer and that terrible year were not something that happened to her, but something done to him. He was the victim. As such, he found other injuries. We had never accepted him into the family. She had not given him enough closet space in the apartment after they were married. Resentment and anger poured out in defensive emails, a boil lanced.

And if he had to have enemies. he had to forget kindnesses. The many visits, weddings as part of the family, the meals, the intangible support through that year. And the material support so he wouldn’t have to worry about money.

He took his revenge. Without telling her children he cleared the family apartment of 35 years of memories. Art books that had belonged to my father. Her paintings disappeared. Furniture was taken. Two sets of china, one from my parents, were delivered to the new wife’s country house, along with the refrigerator, ripped from the wall.  Neighbors reported  a string of people leaving the building with our family’s things, all price-tagged.

The new wife and her daughters oversaw the dispersal of my sister’s life.

We found her wedding ring at the back of a drawer.

Grief is not for someone who is “tired of being miserable” three months after his wife dies. Miserable is the hand you are dealt because your are alive and are a man and have loved. That love is the cause of grief, and if you can’t or won’t grieve, that’s an absence, or rejection, of love.

And maybe, for some people, the past doesn’t matter. It’s about “me” and “me” needed to move on, fast.
He always needed looking after. She said he’d soon find someone. Marcia predicted it. Perhaps not that soon.

 At the beginning he had been good to her and for her. But at the end his boyish charm had become an unmanly embarrassment. He had legal rights but no moral compass. He did great emotional damage: to us and her dear friends, but most of all, weirdly, to her memory. Laid to rest, he disturbed her peace. None of us deserved the sneaking around, the subterfuge and self-pity. We all suffered in that terrible time.

But he should remember who died.

Mr Wilder figured it out.

You want to know what tough is, try being born in one place, leaving all familiar things as a young man, and learning to survive and support yourself in an alien world. Then move to another place (and language) and learn how to support yourself again. And then move to another place and another language and not just learn the local ropes all over again but become a giant in your chosen profession.

You don’t need to see one of his 76 films to understand the genius of Billy Wilder.

Wilder was one of those mid-century mittel-Europeans who knew how to survive and succeed. They walked across Russia, they walked out of Auschwitz, they walked away from trouble and if it ever found them again they knew what to do.

Wilder tells the story: “If you ever wake up in a strange hotel room with a strange woman at your side and she is dead, call Sam Spiegel. He will know what to do.”

If you want to know how to survive, ask a survivor. If you want to know how to succeed, figure it out. The story could be the opening scene from a film noir, but in Wilder’s life and in Spiegel’s it is just a dramatization of the danger and uncertainty that lurked around every corner of it until they hit Hollywood. In a tight spot? Buddy, the Gestapo aren’t even on the train yet. The thing is, figure it out: be smart, resourceful and work like hell. In other words, be “creative”.

Immigrants have a great advantage over the rest of us. They are continually called on to reinvent themselves, to figure it out. While most of us have them given to us from birth, they have to write their own parts. That’s why they are often so good at it and do so well. That’s not a Mexican gardener in front of your house, that’s someone inventing himself.

He’s in good company.

Endre Friedmann left Budapest aged 16. He went to Berlin, danced in clubs with women who needed a companion, learned to use a camera, went to Paris, fell in love with Gerda Taro, took his Leica to the Spanish Civil War, went the the Second World War, jumped into bullet-slashed water in Normandy with the first allied troops, entered Paris with General LeClerc, partied with Hemingway, made love to Ingrid Bergman, founded Magnum with Cartier-Bresson, went to China, went to Russia with Steinbeck, went to Utah, worked in New York, became an American, went to IndoChina and before he died there, stepping on a land mine, Robert Capa reminded all photographers that if their pictures weren’t good enough they weren’t close enough.

Immigrants are the quintessential Americans. Or rather they have what we would like to think are American essentials. Risk-takers because they have nothing to lose, full of innovation and energy because that’s what’s in their bank, investors in the future because they have no past to return to. Entrepreneurs, they have the potential to reinvent themselves, and us.

And we are afraid of letting too many in.

Go figure.